Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
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