hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
