Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
