I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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