My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
