The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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