but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
