She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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