The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
