This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
