She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
