Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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