Someone shit on the floor
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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