lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
