you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
