I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
