just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
