i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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