i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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