I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
