everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
