I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
