We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm bleeding and have questions
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
