Your face is a jimmy john
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
