What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
