you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
