Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
