and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
