Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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