I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
there is glitter all over my balls
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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