Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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