when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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