a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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