How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
