I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
