I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
