Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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