the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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