There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
