I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
