hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
