i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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