I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
