just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I understand Curling. That high.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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