the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
