just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
