My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
