So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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