I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
