Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
