Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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